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My thoughts on time out vs time in as discipline.

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hugs

My thoughts below come after reading this article posted on TIME’s website titled ‘Time-Outs’ Are Hurting Your Child.

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Sometimes I find it fascinating to read about different parenting methods, styles, and advice given by experts. It gives me the sense that parents out there are more thoughtful about how they parent their children.

I am not.

I have admitted to myself that I don’t know what I’m doing, and I’m okay with that. I’m learning as I go. I figure out what works and what doesn’t, for both my child and myself, by trying different things. And, so far, it’s really worked out for us.

Just last night I wrote about how I lost control and got back into yelling and screaming at (and with) my son. I felt awful about it, especially because I had been doing better at stepping back before losing it. Not because I read some article that told me I’m a terrible mother for yelling at my child, but because through trial and error I had found the right way to respond when he gets upset and misbehaves.

I used to have to make him go into his room when our tempers both got hot. I would tell him that we both needed time to cool off, and he would go to his room and I would go to mine. He was not really in “time out” because he could still play in his room. I wasn’t taking that away from him, I was just teaching him to calm himself down. Which is also something I was trying to learn for myself. I was learning to step back, assess the situation, and readjust my thinking. I didn’t want to react in the moment anymore.

This worked sometimes. We would both take our “time outs” and soon one of us would go to the other to talk it out, to apologize, to hug. Sometimes we would even make each other laugh.

It didn’t always work. Some days (or nights) the fighting would just keep escalating and I would worry the neighbors would call the police for suspected abuse. Because if a child screams that loudly, he must be abused, right?

No, I was not abusing him. He really did just scream that loudly when upset.

When he got so upset that he was hyperventilating and stressing himself out even more, I found that forcing him into a hug and setting him in my lap worked. It wasn’t an instant solution, but eventually he would start to breath normally and calm down. I wouldn’t let go until he was done being upset. Sometimes I wouldn’t let go until he told me that he was feeling better.

The hugging helped me too. It helped me focus my attention on my upset child, on calming him down, not on my own upset feelings or feelings of frustration. I was not focused on myself, but just on helping him.

I don’t believe one thing works all the time for every person, every child, every family. I am a strong believer in doing what works for you, your child, your family.

“Time out” isn’t always about isolating your child and making him “think about what he’s done.” Sometimes it’s necessary, for the child or for the parent.

As a single parent, I don’t have a partner I can pass an upset child to for help in dealing with the emotional freak-outs. It’s just me and him, figuring it out together. And if putting myself in “time out” to sit in my bathroom for 10 minutes so I can assess the situation and calm myself down is what works, then I’m going to do it. And I’m going to teach my child that sometimes it can be an effective way to deal with emotional upsets. Sometimes that time to yourself can be valuable.

And sometimes what you really need is a long hug with your mama.

And that’s okay too.


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